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/ Back to home / Parent support / Grief, loss, change / Experiencing grief after your child has died: information for parents and carers
Experiencing grief after your child has died: information for parents and carersDisclaimer: This fact sheet is for educational use only. Please consult your doctor or other health professional to make sure this information is right for your child. About griefYou are probably reading this because a precious child that you love has died. Finding your way through the sadness and pain of loss is the toughest of tasks.
Some parents describe searching for their child who has died and question themselves for doing so. But such reactions are normal reactions to an awful and terrible event.
“It’s overwhelming…I cry all the time.”
“I can’t concentrate anymore - I think I am losing my mind.”
“My heart is broken and it actually feels like that….the pain is unbearable.”
“It’s like a constant whirlpool in my stomach.”
Grief is the normal human response to loss. It helps us gradually work through and adjust to what’s happened. At first the feelings can be very intense and overwhelming. You might even wonder if you are able to survive your grief. As a unique individual, with your own personality, you will need to grieve in a way that is comfortable for you. It’s good to remember:
Some common reactions newly bereaved parents and carers experience include:
We grieve because we love. Part of grieving is to find a way to keep loving, despite the sadness.
 Back to TopContinuing your bond with your childFor many bereaved parents the relationship with their child goes on. Many bereaved parents continue to talk to their child, or continue to celebrate special days, like their child’s birthday. Bereaved parents may find that remembering their child brings them both comfort and pain. A single day can be filled with a thousand memories and each one can bring joy and sadness. Here are some bereaved parents’ comments:
“I carry his photograph in my wallet. Whenever I need strength I look at him. I remember his strength and determination and he inspires me”.
“I have given away a lot of her toys, but I still keep her special toys in the cupboard. I take them down and I remember her playing.”
“I had to go back to the hospital. I went up to the Ward. I had to see it again. I thought he might be there, of course I knew he wouldn’t be.”
“On his anniversary we went down to the paddock and stood together. He loved to play down there. We didn’t say much. Then we walked back up to the house.”
Back to TopWhere to go for ongoing support for you and your familyThere are different community groups and professionals able to provide support for you and your family, now and in the future. Consider using them – they are there to help people in tough times. Their support may make a big difference.
Bereavement counsellor
You or your family might consider visiting a trained grief counsellor or children’s therapist in your local area to work through the issues around your loss. For suggestions about who to contact ask your doctor, check your community phone directory, ask others you know or contact Skylight on 0800 299 100. You may also consider contacting your hospital or hospice counsellor.
Other support in your local community could be:
For details of these groups, ask your local Citizen’s Advice Bureau – they know your community well and can suggest different groups that could assist you. They are under C in the white pages phone book.
Skylight
Provides a national support service for New Zealand children and young people who are experiencing change, loss and grief - whatever its cause. Skylight also supports those caring for these children and young people - their families, whanau, friends, professionals and community volunteers.
Address: P O Box 7309, Wellington South Call free on 0800 299 100 or 64 4 939 6767
Fax: 64 4 939 4759 Email: info@skylight-trust.org.nz Website: http://www.skylight.org.nz/ Support groups
Some communities have helpful support groups for people facing grief and loss, such as a bereaved parents support group. See if there is one in you region. Ask at your local Citizen’s Advice Bureau, your funeral director or see your local community directory. You can also see the support group listing on this website - look under grief.
Telephone counselling lines such as the following, can be helpful when you may be feeling especially distressed – for example, at night. They can listen and be supportive.
International websites
Dougy Center for grieving children and families
The Dougy Center, in the United States, has worked with many grieving children, teens and families. Website: http://www.dougy.org/
Winston’s Wish for grieving children, teens and families, in the UK, offers other helpful information for parents and carers and young people after a family member has died.
Website: http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/ Back to TopAcknowledgements
© skylight 2005
Back to TopYour notesEndorsement
This fact sheet was endorsed by PSNZ - 15/12/2006
CopyrightFact sheets are subject to copyright. In the interests of information sharing they may be copied but acknowledgement must be given to PSNZ and Starship Foundation. © The Paediatric Society of New Zealand and Starship Foundation 2005 - 2012
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