Waiho i te toipoto, kaua i te toitoa. Let us keep close together not far apart (Māori Proverb).
How any child or young person grieves when someone they love has died will depend on many things, such as their:
Babies, children and teenagers may often seem unconcerned, playing or doing their usual activities, so adults can assume they are not properly aware of the death, or affected by it. They are, but in their own ways. Babies, children and teenagers tend to grieve in bursts, and at other times will look for reassurance and comfort in their normal routines and activities.
Bereaved children and teenagers will need ongoing attention, reassurance and support.
Babies and toddlers don't understand the concept of death. They can respond to a change in their environment. They will experience feelings of loss, abandonment and insecurity if a significant person is missing. They don't have the language to express how they are feeling and will pick up on the distress that is around them.
It is common for extended family or friends to offer to look after children following bereavements. Babies, toddlers and young children benefit from staying as close as possible to their ususal caregivers.
Preschoolers find it hard to understand that death is permanent. They often develop an interest in the death of birds and animals are are developing an understanding that being dead is different from being alive. This age group has rich 'magical thinking' where they may think the person can become alive again or that they did something to make the person die.
Preschoolers have a very literal understanding and think in a very concrete way. It is important to use real words such as 'dead'. Euphemisms such as 'lost' or 'passed away' may cause misunderstanding and confusion.
Preschoolers can feel insecure and frightened when things change. They will need lots of reassurance that they will be kept safe and be looked after.
School-aged children gradually begin to develop an understanding that death is permanent and irreversible. Some children may still think that death is temporary or that the person who has died will feel things and be cold, lonely or hungry. Children increasingly become aware that death is an inevitable part of life and can become anxious about their own health and safety. They may be concerned that someone else they love may die.
Children may be interested in what has happened to the person after they have died, where they are now. They may ask blunt questions about what has happened to the person's body.
It is important to answer questions honestly and provide enough information so that children are not left with gaps in their knowledge. The risk of not enough information is that a child may fill this space with inaccurate information.
Children’s imagination and 'magical thinking' can mean a child may feel that their thoughts, words or actions caused a death. They may feel guilty.
Continuing to answer questions and explain death to this age group is important. Their understanding will be developed over time and they may need to revisit what has happened and ask the same questions many times to make sense of their experience.
Ongoing reassurance, love and affection is helpful.
Teenagers understand that death is part of life.
Developmentally, they are in a time of big physical and emotional changes and may flip back and forth between younger age group type reactions and more adult reactions. Grief can have an impact on the developmental task of moving from dependence to independence, where young people move from family ties to increasing reliance on their peers.
It can be difficult to ask for support while asserting independence.
Teenagers may want to be with friends more than family for support. In some instances, teenagers will gravitate to their online gaming community for support and connectedness. This behaviour is a normal reaction! Having meal times at the family table may give you opportunities to 'check in' with your grieving teen.
Keep in mind they may find the intensity of emotion overwhelming and may not be able to express what they are feeling.
Young people don't like to feel different and a bereaved teenager may feel socially isolated. They may want to feel and look as though they are coping while trying to manage or deny difficult internal emotions and feelings. To escape this level of discomfort some teens may use risk taking behaviour.
Bereaved children and teenagers will need ongoing attention, reassurance and support. It is not unusual for grief to resurface later on, even well after the death. This can happen as they move through different life milestones, and develop as individuals.
It's important to remember that grief takes as long as it takes. Navigating though grief is not only a personal process but a family one as well. Create meaningful events and anniversaries with your family that will help children continue to process and make sense of their loss as they continue to grow.
If you are concerned about any extreme reactions, or if you think your child or teenager may have become depressed, contact your doctor or other trained adviser, such as a counsellor, senior staff member from their school, social worker, community or youth worker or a local family support agency.
You can also read more information about supporting children, parents and whānau experiencing grief [1]
See the KidsHealth's section on emotional and mental wellbeing [2]
The content on this page has been developed and approved by the New Zealand Paediatric Palliative Care Clinical Network, Paediatric Society of New Zealand.
This page last reviewed 23 July 2021.
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Links
[1] https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/tags/death-grief
[2] https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/tags/emotional-mental-wellbeing
[3] https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/node/1520?language=zh-hans
[4] https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/node/1522?language=zh-hans
[5] https://www.dougy.org/grief-support-resources/kids
[6] https://www.dougy.org/grief-support-resources/teens
[7] https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/node/1523?language=zh-hans
[8] https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/contact?from=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.kidshealth.org.nz%2Fprint%2F13%3Flanguage%3Dzh-hans