Video of a Dad's experience with tantrums in his tamariki.
Video by Tākai.
A tantrum is an outburst of strong feelings. Tantrums can look different in different tamariki. You may see screaming, kicking, running away, or falling down. Some tamariki may hurt themselves or other people during a tantrum.
Younger tamariki may not have the words or actions to express their emotions. Some tamariki can have tantrums if they are overwhelmed.
Common triggers that lead to tantrums include:
Being prepared for situations when a tantrum may happen can help you to manage it. Here are some other ways you can reduce the chance of tantrums happening.
Follow a routine with your child and stick to it where possible. If your child knows what to expect and when to expect things, it can help reduce the chance of tantrums.
Offer your child choices where possible. This helps them to learn independence which can prevent power struggles.
Some tamariki will have tantrums because they can’t express their feelings. Encourage your child to express themselves by using their words and actions.
Teach your child simple phrases and words for different feelings - words and phrases they can understand. You can do this from birth by using words to label feelings like ‘happy’, ‘sad’, ‘tired’ and ‘hungry’.
Pay attention to situations or events that often lead to tantrums in your child. If you know which triggers are likely to cause a tantrum, try to take steps to prevent them.
This can be difficult. Tamariki often copy the behaviour of the adults around them. Practice staying calm and patient during difficult situations. Be aware of your own emotions and how you’re expressing them. Your behaviour sets an example for your child to follow.
Sometimes tantrums happen. How you handle tantrums depends on your child's age.
With toddlers, stay with them and give them comfort. Let your child know you understand how they feel. Showing love supports tamariki to feel safe and manage big emotions.
For older children, you can also try these 5 steps to help them calm down:
See the Raising Children Australia website for more tips and ideas on helping calm your child down. [2]
Alongside supporting your child during a tantrum, it’s important they are safe. Sometimes you may need to carry your child somewhere else. Once they are in a safe place, acknowledge the emotion they are showing.
Stay quietly and calmly with your child until they calm down. Be consistent about not giving in to demands. This will help your child learn that tantrums don’t help them get what they want.
Staying calm while your child has a tantrum will help model calm behaviour. Here are some ways to help you remain calm if your child is having a tantrum:
Sometimes the frustration parents and whānau experience can turn into anger. Tamariki learn how to manage their emotions by watching people around them. If you let your anger out in harmful ways, it hurts your kids. It can damage your relationship with them and can make tantrums worse.
Tākai has a resource with tips and suggestions on ways you and your child can manage emotions in a healthy way. Poipoia te tamaiti | Staying calm with kids (PDF, 6.9MB). [3]
Childhood tantrums can be stressful and frustrating for parents and whānau. If you are finding it difficult, there is support available. You can contact PlunketLine, your Well Child provider or your general practice clinic if you are finding it challenging to manage this phase.
Call PlunketLine 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on 0800 933 922.
PlunketLine is available 24 hours a day for advice and support for you, your child and your whānau. Calls are free from cell phones. You do not need to be registered with Plunket to use this service.
Call PlunketLine [4] on 0800 933 922 for parenting advice.
The pages on tantrums come from the booklet 'Tamaiti wāwāhi tahā | The tricky bits' developed by Tākai. (PDF, 9.3MB). [7]As well as tantrums, the booklet has tips about surviving the supermarket, jealousy and fighting and learning to use the toilet.
Take a look at the Plunket website for more information on how to deal with tantrums. [8]
This page last reviewed 20 December 2023.
Email us [9] your feedback
Links
[1] https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/crying-tantrums/tantrums#how-to-handle-tantrums-when-they-happen-nav-title
[2] https://raisingchildren.net.au/school-age/behaviour/behaviour-management-tips-tools/helping-children-calm-down-3-8-years
[3] https://www.takai.nz/assets/Uploads/Resources/PDF/TAKAI070-Staying-calm-with-kids-web.pdf
[4] https://www.plunket.org.nz/plunket/what-we-offer/plunketline/
[5] https://www.takai.nz/find-resources/articles/tantrums/
[6] https://www.takai.nz/assets/Uploads/Resources/PDF/The-tricky-bits/Takai-the-tricky-bits-pg06-07.pdf
[7] https://www.takai.nz/assets/Uploads/Resources/PDF/TAKAI073-The-tricky-bits-web.pdf
[8] https://www.plunket.org.nz/being-a-parent/parenting/connecting-with-your-child/dealing-with-tantrums/
[9] https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/contact?from=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.kidshealth.org.nz%2Fprint%2F2863%3Flanguage%3Dzh-hans