Key points about bedtime resistance
- establish a regular bedtime to help set your child's internal body clock
- putting tamariki (children) to bed when they are not tired increases the chances of bedtime struggle
- a bedtime routine should include calm and enjoyable activities, such as a bath and bedtime stories
- ignore your child's complaints or protests about bedtime, such as not being tired
- it is important that you leave the room while your child is still awake
- if your child gets out of bed or comes out of their room, firmly and calmly return them to bed
This page is about sleep in primary school tamariki.
When to put your child to bed
Pick a suitable bedtime for your child, such as:
- 7pm for a 5 year old
- 8pm for an 8 year old
- 9pm for a 10 year old
Establish a regular bedtime to help set your child's internal body clock. Be sure that your child is ready for sleep before putting them to bed. Explain the new rules to your child so they know what to expect. Make this brief and avoid arguing about the new rules.
Bedtime fading
Consistency is the most important thing in helping your child to change their behaviour.
Putting tamariki to bed when they are not tired can lead to bedtime struggles. For some tamariki, it helps to start with a later bedtime and then move it earlier over time.
For example:
- work out when your child usually falls asleep and use this as the temporary bedtime
- if you want bedtime to be 8:30pm but your child falls asleep at 10:30pm, start with 10:30pm
- this makes it easier for your child to fall asleep soon after getting into bed
- once they are falling asleep quickly, move bedtime earlier by 15 minutes every few days
- be patient — moving bedtime too quickly can make it harder for your child to fall asleep
- stop when you reach your desired bedtime (for example, 8:30pm)
What a good bedtime routine involves
Establish a regular bedtime routine for your child. Include calm, enjoyable activities such as a bath and bedtime stories.
Avoid activities that excite your child, like running around, playing outside, or watching exciting TV shows.
Make a chart of the bedtime routine to help keep your child on track.
How to manage your child's complaints or protests
Ignore complaints or protests about bedtime, such as your child saying they are not tired. Discussing or arguing about bedtime can lead to ongoing struggles.
Calmly and firmly let your child know it is time for bed and continue with the routine.
What to do when the bedtime routine is complete
When the bedtime routine is complete, put your child to bed and leave the room. It is important that you leave the room while your child is still awake. This helps your child learn to fall asleep on their own.
Managing when your child cries or yells
If your child calls out but stays in bed, remind them it is bedtime or ignore the calls. If they continue to be upset, check on them.
Keep visits brief (about 1 minute) and calm. Unless your child is frightened, do not soothe, comfort or start a discussion. Simply say it is time to sleep.
These checks help reassure your child that you are there and let you see that your child is OK.
What to do if your child gets out of bed or leaves their room
If your child gets out of bed or leaves their room, calmly and firmly return them to bed.
For some tamariki, repeating this is enough. For others, letting them know that if they get up again you will close the bedroom door, can be effective.
If they get out of bed, return them and close the door for a short time (start with 1 minute). After 1 minute, open the door.
If your child is in bed, praise them and leave the door open. If they are out of bed, return them and close the door again, increasing the time by a few minutes each time.
Do not lock your child in their room. The goal is to help your child stay in bed, not to punish or scare them.
Rewarding positive behaviour
Star charts can help tamariki follow new sleep routines and rules. Give your child a sticker as soon as they wake in the morning.
Focus on their successes, not any difficulties from the night before.
A set number of stickers can lead to a reward your child will enjoy, such as a lucky dip or a trip to the park. Choose rewards that suit your child’s age.
Make goals easy to achieve at first to help your child succeed.
See the page on star charts for children for more ideas and a free star chart you can download for your child.
Stay consistent
Consistency is the most important part of helping your child change their behaviour.
Giving in to bedtime refusal, even sometimes, can make it harder to change their behaviour over time.
Online sleep programme
The Good Nights Programme is a New Zealand developed sleep programme. It was originally developed to support tamariki with autism-takiwātanga. Much of the content is helpful for all parents and whānau who want to support their child to sleep better. You can work through the modules in your own time.
Find out more about sleep and the best way to support your child to improve their sleep.
Module 1: Understanding your child's sleep
Module 2: Sleep scheduling
Module 3: Creating optimum conditions for sleep
Module 4: Teaching children healthy sleep habits
Module 5: Relaxation
Module 6: Promoting sleep-conducive behaviour
Module 7: Creating a sleep support plan
Visit the Good Nights Programme website to see all the modules
Acknowledgements
Starship Foundation and the Paediatric Society of New Zealand thank the Centre for Community Child Health at the Murdoch Childrens Research Institute and Royal Children's Hospital, Melbourne, Australia, for making this content available to parents and families.
© Copyright – Centre for Community Child Health at the Murdoch Childrens Research Institute and Royal Children's Hospital, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia 2014. Except as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968 (Cth), no part of this content may be reproduced by a process, electronic or otherwise, without the specific written permission of the Murdoch Childrens Research Institute.
