The Importance Of Attachment In Babies

[Music]

[Karakia]

[Children singing in te reo Māori]

Babies are part of a social world. Before birth, they hear that world and they sense it around them.

Your baby begins to recognise voices around them before they are born.

Everyone is waiting to meet this brand-new person and they are waiting to meet you.

"As soon as he was born, he sort of gave us a very good, firm up and down as if to say: "What's all this fuss? What's all this about?" I think that's something that stays with all of us."

"We all got the feeling that my baby recognised my voice from pretty much straight away. Like within hours of her being born, she would you know turn towards, towards me if I was talking. And that to me is amazing, because you know, just this tiny little newborn person who'd be able to hear, first of all, and recognise something familiar.

When a baby arrives into the world, they are ready to connect with you. From birth, babies are able to give you cues to how they're feeling. .

Quietly watching and looking at your pēpi will help you understand those cues.

Baby is looking at mum and mum is looking at her. This is called mutual gaze.

Coraleigh is working hard and takes tiny rests by blinking and briefly looking away.

But gazing is very tiring. This gazing is helping you baby's brain to grow. As your baby looks, their brain cells are being switched on, and connections in the brain are being built.

When calm and alert, your face is what your baby most wants to see in the world.

So mutual gaze is an important and enjoyable time for your baby.

Dante is enjoying some mutual gaze time with his dad. Dante's father helps him by supporting his head and body and holding him quite close.

[Sound of door opening]

Watch how Dante turns his head. He's heard his sister entering the room. She is an important part of his world and even at this very young age, he already knows his family and is keen to be with them.

Dante's mum sees he is tired but he is still able to manage some gazing.

She lets Dante take small rests. He looks away and then comes back to her.

"What do you reckon?"

Babies need to be calm, alert and still in order to have these times gazing lovingly at you.

Ngara is really locked onto her mum's eyes and face. We can see Ngara is ready because she has calm, focused and her body is still. Baby and mother are both discovering each other.

Ngara's mum gently chats to her as they gaze. This helps to hold Ngara's attention. Notice Ngara's little mouth movements. These are the very beginnings of speech for a baby. If you see your baby doing this, try talking to them and watch how they respond.

Coraleigh is now comfortable being held a little further away from mum and can hold her gaze for much longer.

Notice how she very briefly looks away. A quick flick of your eyes and then refocusing on mum. Looking away and blinking, even for a split second, is a sign that your baby is taking a break from all that hard concentration.

These little breaks and rests that babies give themselves during periods of gazing, are known as self-regulation.

Letting your baby take a little rest helps them to develop longer and longer periods of looking.

Coraleigh's movements show her mum she needs a longer break. Her mum knows this and waits. A big yawn is enough.

Coraleigh is ready to gaze at mum again.

"I guess I was really conscious that, you know, she's absorbing everything and just learning about me and me learning about her. And learning about her whānau. You know there's just so many different and new faces. Yeah, its quite exciting really."

Babies love looking at faces and looking's a way they communicate.

Catalina is enjoying gazing at her mum.

As her mum talks to her and makes mouth movements, look how Catalina's eyes flick between her mum's eyes and her mouth. She is clearly riveted by her mum's face.

It might feel a bit awkward at first, knowing what to say to your newborn baby. But what you say isn't important. What is important is that you talk. Use a gentle, friendly tone. You can just think out loud to your baby. Your baby will watch you and listen to you closely. They are learning about speech.

Notice how Catalina's mouth is moving too. She is trying to copy her mother.

[Music]

Babies enjoy many different types of stimulus and they are important for building your relationship with them.

Emanuela is enjoying listening to her parent's music. She is alert and focused as she listens to a tune she heard before birth.

From very early, babies have memories of music. You may even notice your baby responding in a special way to music they heard often when in the womb.

[Music]

[Singing in te reo Māori]

This family's baby hasn't been born yet but the baby can hear their brother and sister singing. And watch what happens when they finish.

"Wait, wait, wait wait!"

"Is it actually moving?"

"And, uh, oriori was a type of lullaby and the oriori was a way and means of, from the grandparents, to pass it down to their new parents, of becoming parents. it was a way of sharing that aroha, that love. This is just one little oriori that I grew up with."

[Oriori]

"So that pōwhiri was about creating the new 'pasting in', and one's relationship with one's life, and one's whānau, one's hapū and one's iwi."

Skin-to-skin contact and massage are other types of stimulus babies really enjoy.

Here, Emanuela is enjoying skin-to-skin contact with dad, and the feel of the water. She is settled and alert.

Rehutai is enjoying having his feet massaged, relaxed and quiet during this special time with his dad.

And Lucas really enjoys having his legs gently massaged.

Gentle mirimiri can be very soothing for baby and is a good way for you both to connect.

Research shows it helps parents become more sensitive to their babies.

[English translation of te reo Māori spoken on video: “I start massaging the back with baby on her tummy. Back, shoulders, arms, legs – for about 2 minutes, sing waiata amd oriori. I hear my mum singing.”]

Although your baby likes to be active and social, it's important to recognise these signals that they’re tired and respond as quickly as you can to help your baby settle.

Although Lucas seems to be happily chatting with dad, he’s actually beginning to show some early signs of tiredness.

Notice his shoulders are pulled up. He’s making fists and his arms are waving in a jerky way. And here his body stiffens. He's making grisly noises and keeps looking away.

These are common tired signs. His father comforts and supports him by holding him close and trying not to interact.

Other tired signs are pulling at ears, rubbing eyes and nose, bringing legs up to stomach or chest, and movements that are less controlled than usual.

And of course, they cry.

Lucas needs a feed before settling to sleep.

Now Lucas is fed and much calmer, his dad gets him ready for bed.

Lucas shows another sign he is tired. He's rubbing his nose and eyes.

He's used to this bedtime routine and knows that he's going to be held close and calmed.

Wrapping your baby can help them feel more secure. It helps them settle, control their body movements and stay asleep.

Once wrapped, Dad cuddles him close, sways with him and holds him gently.

This is all part of Lucas's bedtime routine, all helping him to settle and get ready for sleep.

Snugly tucked into his bassinette on his back, his father helps him drift off to sleep.

Some babies settle more easily than others.

Crying is an important and very effective way for babies to get your attention and tell you they need something. Working out what they need can be the hard part. You can't always tell from the sound of their cry, what they need. It takes time watching and learning the cues - the signs your baby gives you.

Crying can be very stressful and tiring for parents. But it's very important you never shake your baby. Shaking a baby can really damage their brain.

Rehutai’s ready for kōrero with Mum.

Titiro. Watch how he uses his whole body, all his sounds, mouth movements and gaze to take turns in the conversation. And he's having a great time.

But soon, Rehutai signals he’s not happy.

Again, he uses his whole body to communicate. No longer relaxed but stiff and moving about a lot. Mum responds calmly. He's tired and really for kai.

Feeding is another great time to communicate with your baby. Once baby is settled into their feed, you can follow their cues to gaze in chat.

Fed and comfy, Rehutai is ready for more conversation.

Mum pokes her tongue out and notices Rehutai trying to copy. She repeats the movement and gives him time to try it himself. He is looking and concentrating very hard.

Then finally, success.

Coraleigh is being very social with Mum and she tells her a big long story. She uses her voice, eyes and facial expressions and gesture to connect with her mum.

Her whole body is involved in this conversation. Her mum waits for her to talk and gives her lots

of time to make noises and tell her story.

Mum is really involved, copying and repeating sounds, using her face and voice to show lots of expression which keeps Coraleigh's interest.

Mum mirrors Coraleigh's facial expressions. This is very important. It shows Coraleigh that Mum understands her feelings. How wonderful for Coraleigh's confidence, and her brain and speech development.

If you speak more than one language, what a gift for your baby. Use all your languages with baby.

When a new baby comes into the family, everyone must make big adjustments, including other children in the family. And this isn't always easy for them, no matter what their age. Being able to show them the baby knows their voice, wants to gaze and communicate with them, will help children cope with the changes better.

Involving brothers and sisters in the care of a newborn strengthens their relationship with baby and your baby enjoys an increasing circle of love and support.

Dante is enjoying a story from his sister. He concentrates hard on his sister's face and the sound of her voice. As he listens, he responds with small blinks, mouth movements and sounds.

Nana is very responsive to both her grandchildren as they all enjoy story time together.

Caring for a newborn baby is very tiring and a lot of hard work.

Things don't always go according to plan and it can often be very difficult working out what a baby needs or wants. You can ask for help. You don't have to do it alone.

Whānau, friends and neighbours can help. Anyone can help. We all need to support parents with new babies.

“If you can look for and see that someone is crying out for help without asking, then it's up to you to make a move - to step in and offer help, so that, so that they retain their dignity but there's integrity and looking after a baby and if someone needs help you can't be sure that baby is going to be cared for as totally as it should be. So it's up to you - to make sure that if you see that, that you enable that baby to have all its needs met. And sometimes it is something like, you know, a mother may not even be able to get out of bed. And you don't know why, but you don't have to know why. All you know is that there's a baby that needs to be cared for too. So assist in that way. They get through it. Even if it’s to go and just do all the washing and clean the house. It enables that mother to cope for that day or that week or that month, until they're able to manage on their own. Well not really on their own - to manage, day by day. But it's up to us to look for that.”

[Te reo Māori]

[English translation of te reo Māori spoken on video: “Our young women and men, with this, we, your elders, acknowledge you. Please don’t be shy to ask us for help. Ww will always be there for you. We were in your position once. So we welcome any request from you with open hearts.“]

Babies want to be part of the world around them. They are social from birth and know how to connect with you and they love looking at your face.

Loving relationships support the healthy development of your baby's brain. Follow your baby. They give you cues. Wait until they're in the mood - they will be settled and alert. Give yourself some time. Look, listen and talk to your baby. They will take part, listening and gazing at you.

You might see them copy your face and hear small noises. Babies like to listen to stories, songs, different languages, and you can just try thinking out loud.

Remember, they will need to take small breaks. A yawn or a quick look away may be all they need.

Babies can only focus for a short time before getting tired. Getting to know your baby's tired signs is very helpful. They may look away more, frown, or clench their fists. Their movements may become jerky or they might stiffen their bodies. They may also rub their eyes or noses and pull at their ears. And of course, they cry.

Get to know what settles your baby. If they’re fed and have a dry nappy, try these things.

Wrap your baby, cuddle them close, awhi your baby. Rock them. Reduce the light. Keep noise low. Talk softly or play low music. Gently touch them and keep things calm.

With your baby asleep, or falling asleep, place them gently on their back in the cot or bassinette.

Babies cry a lot in the first three months. A baby's crying actually increases over the second and third weeks and then generally lessens after three months.

If the crying is too stressful, ask for help. If there are other people in your home, get one of them to hold the baby. Perhaps whānau, a neighbour or a friend could give you a break. If there is no one, put your baby in their cot or bassinette where they are safe, and walk away for a few minutes to calm down.

Never shake or hurt your baby. By giving yourself a break and calming yourself down you are looking after your baby and yourself.

Every baby is different and it takes time to get to know each other.

It may seem a lot to remember, but your baby doesn't need you to be perfect. You will be helping your baby to have secure relationships, and a healthy brain. The time you spend getting to know each other will give your baby a great start in life.

[Children singing in te reo Māori]

Parents. We all wonder if we’re getting it right. We want to know we’re meeting our children’s needs, helping them grow, and giving them all that we can.

We try to combine our own experience of being parented with the advice of others, and our own instincts and beliefs about what is best.

And still, we so often worry that we’re not succeeding, in a world that s always offering the next best parenting solution.

The Circle of Security is based on decades of attachment research.

Unlike many behavioural perspectives, it offers relationship tools to provide a new way of understanding your children’s needs, creating lasting security for them, and more satisfaction for you.

The circle graphic has been created to help you know what to look for, so you can read your children’s behaviour to guide you in meeting their needs. It’s really not complicated.

People of all ages have attachment needs. These needs can be divided in three ways.

Let’s look at this child.

First, he needs to know the freedom and confidence to go out and explore his world.

Second, he needs to feel assured that whenever he’s ready, he can come back for comfort and protection.

Third, he needs his caregiver to be in charge in a kind way.

Three basic needs that can be thought of as:

• going out on the circle
• coming in on the circle
• hands on the circle

Let's have a look in more detail. 

Feeling safe and supported, our children want to discover their world. When going out, they need to know that their exploration is encouraged., that we're right there watching over them, delighting in them, offering help when needed, and ready to enjoy their new adventures with them.

And when they're coming in, they need us to refill their emotional cup. This means organising their emotions, and letting them know we are delighted to welcome them back, protect, comfort and understand them. 

The key for us as parents is to remain strong and kind, while knowing when to encourage their going out into the world, and how to be available to welcome them back to us. 

It's crucial that we learn to identify our children's needs like this, because misreading them, or worse, missing them altogether, can cause pain and frustration.

We all know how uncomfortable it can be to be held too close when we want to be out exploring, or kept at a distance when we need emotional support. 

Or simply to be without someone who is bigger, stronger, wiser and kind, who we can trust to understand what we need, when we're feeling lost, confused or out of control. 

When a child misbehaves, the cause is often rooted in how safe and secure they are feeling. So it is not surprising that they behave well when a parent learns to tune in to their child's needs on the circle in this way. 

And because our needs on the circle never disappear, learning to read cues can help you better understand and meet the needs of people of all ages, including your own.

So, that's all there is to it! Just know that at any given moment, your child is somewhere on the circle asking you to meet a need:

• support my going out

• welcome my coming in

• be the hands that keep me safe by staying in charge, and committed to helping me feel connected

And please remember this: There's no such thing as perfect parenting. At Circle of Security, we've come to realise that good enough is, well, good enough. All of us are going to miss needs on the circle time and again. Welcome to the club.

But if we meet our children's needs enough of the time, the results will be happier, healthier, more secure children. And parents too.