Children’s Brain Development & Grief

Key points about child’s brain development and grief

• appearing to move in and out of strong emotions quickly is typical for tamariki
• some tamariki take some time to process the information and may not appear ‘sad’
• older tamariki may not show their sadness in the way which adults might expect
• try to see all behaviours within the context of grief and respond with empathy

How children process death and grief 

Moving in and out of strong emotions

Tamariki can appear to move in and out of strong emotions quickly. This is entirely typical of their development and is a concept called ‘puddle jumping.’ One moment a child might be very sad and missing their loved one (in the puddle). The next moment they are giggling about something entirely unrelated (jumped out of the puddle).

Taking time to process information

Some tamariki take some time to process information and may not appear ‘sad’. This can make adults think they ‘don’t get it’, or that they have not understood. Give them time, and continue saying “I’m here if you want to talk.”

Expressing sadness in their own way

Older tamariki and rangatahi may not show their sadness in the way which adults might expect. This doesn’t mean they don’t feel sadness or grief. They are doing the best they can at the time with the skills they have. 

Responding empathetically 

Try to see all behaviours within the context of grief and respond with empathy. For example “I know things are really hard right now, let’s talk about what’s going on for you.”

Things to remember about how children process death and grief

Here are some things to remember about how tamariki and rangatahi process death and grief, depending on their developmental stage.

Children use play

Tamariki use play to process information. This helps them process complex and difficult messages such as a loved one dying. You may hear them using the word “dead” or “dying” within their play. This could be confronting for you. But this is your child figuring out how to manage and process what is happening around them.

Children may not see death as permanent

Younger tamariki (pre-school and primary school age) do not necessarily understand that death is permanent even if they seem to understand it in the moment. Over time, they might say something that suggests they think they will see the person who has died again. It can be very distressing to explain that death means forever. Gently repeating clear and factual information will support your child’s understanding over time.

Children can use ‘magic thinking’

Tamariki can use ‘magic thinking’ where they believe they created this situation through something they did or didn’t do. For example, a child may say, “Daddy is dying because I didn’t eat my vegetables”. This is developmentally appropriate. You can manage it by using factual information such as, “No, Daddy is dying because he was in a terrible car accident”. Acknowledge what they might be feeling, and gently respond to any ‘magic thinking’ by using facts about the situation.

Talk about the person who has died

Create ways to connect with and remember the person who has died. Encouraging continuing connection with someone who has died is helpful for a child who is grieving. Talk about the person - things they liked and disliked. Tell stories about them, laugh about silly things and mistakes and talk about how much they are missed.

You could even talk about activities your child might like to do to connect with their loved one. This could be something your child used to do with their person, or something that brings special memories, such as a walk on the beach. This gives your child an active part to play in remembering their much-loved person. It is also a positive thing they can ‘do’ in their memory.

Join your child in their play

Play is one of the most important ways tamariki learn about the world around them. Your child is probably going to want to spend as much time with you as they can. This can be challenging when you are navigating your own grief. But, putting aside even 10 minutes a day to immerse yourself in their world can be a powerful message to your child that they are loved and you are there for them.

Behaviours are the emotions we can see

Tamariki and rangatahi use behaviour as a form of communication. They use behaviour when they don’t have, or don’t know, the words to use. When grieving, some of the emotions a child feels may be new, more intense or possibly scary.

You may see challenging behaviours, or behaviours that seem ‘out of context’. These are likely to be the result of difficult emotions that your child does not yet have the skills to manage. Try to see ‘beneath’ the behaviour and figure out the emotion that may be underlying this. Remember that this is extremely difficult to do. It’s especially difficult when you are experiencing your own grief and emotions.

All children are different

Tamariki with developmental differences, neurodiversity or trauma history may need more support, fewer words, and more processing time. You know your child best. Do what you feel is right for them.

There is no such thing as ‘getting over it’

There are no timelines, stages or expectations for what a child’s grief may look like. Emotions associated with grief vary in their levels. They can increase and decrease across a child’s lifespan. Milestones, periods of high stress and significant events can all increase grief emotions.