Talking To Children & Young People About Death

Key points about talking to children about dying

• telling a child or young person that someone they love is dying or has died is one of the hardest things to do
• many tamariki (children) will experience this news first with grandparents or great-grandparents
• although it is incredibly sad, you can explain a grandparent’s death in the context of a long and full life
• when a child’s parent or sibling has died, this conversation is very different
• the person may have been unwell before they died, or the death may have been sudden
• either way, it can be incredibly hard to find the right words, but it is important to tell your child clearly and honestly

Support for finding the right words

Here are some things to keep in mind when deciding what to say. There are also ideas to help you find the right words for you and your child.

Be factual

Use terms such as ‘death’ and ‘dying’. Tamariki don’t understand euphemisms. Phrases such as ‘passed away’, ‘lost’ or ‘gone to sleep’ can be confusing.

It’s OK to cry while you talk

You are grieving too, and you are showing your child that it is healthy to express emotions. It is also OK if you have no tears left right now. There is no ‘right’ emotion or ‘right’ way to show how you feel.

You might feel nervous, worried, sad, angry, or a mix of many emotions. Whatever you are feeling is OK. Whatever your child is feeling is OK too.

Try to keep it short

Too much information is hard for tamariki to process. A couple of sentences are enough. But, bear in mind that you will need to repeat what you’ve said to your child. You may need to do this many times as they continue to process and understand your words.

Practise what you are going to say

You could practise what you are going to say with a friend or a family member. Maybe write down some words to help gather your thoughts.

Use statements and limit questions

Try to use comments and statements and limit questions. Try not to ask anything of your child. One way of finishing off the conversation is by saying, “I’m here when you’re ready to talk more about this.”

Have an activity ready

Have a quiet activity ready that you and your child can do while you talk. This might be colouring or drawing, fidget toys, a puzzle or Lego. It can be anything calm that tamariki can do while they listen. Or they can go to the activity directly afterwards. By joining in with the activity you can support the transition from the sad conversation to other things.

Trust yourself

You know your child’s developmental stage. You will have a sense of the words that will work best for them. You know this better than you may think you do. Trust your knowledge.

Share this information

Share this information with your child’s teachers - at school or daycare. It’s important they know what is happening, and what information you have shared with your child. This helps them to understand how best to support your child.