Key points about supporting grieving children's emotions
- the emotional literacy approach is based on the idea that all emotions are valid, normal and OK
- adults can teach emotional literacy through role modelling their own emotions
- adults can also actively coach their child’s emotions as they happen
- this approach may seem simple but it takes practice and patience
Coaching children’s emotions
When a child is grieving, adults can feel powerless because the situation is out of their control. Coaching a child’s emotions gives adults something helpful and practical they can 'do'.
The basis of the emotional literacy approach is that all emotions are valid and normal. It's OK to feel them. This applies even when the emotion seems to be out of context or bigger than the situation appears.
It can be hard to remember this, especially when you're feeling grief.
Adults can teach emotional literacy by showing their own feelings. They can also help their child by coaching their emotions as they happen.
Labelling emotions
Labelling involves naming the emotion and linking it to any physical signs you can see. Your child’s age and their current emotional literacy skills will affect how specific you need to be.
Examples of role modelling emotion labelling
“I’m feeling really sad today”.
“I’m feeling nervous about this phone call”.
“I feel happy when I remember our times all together at the park”.
“I’m cross because I lost my glasses”.
“I’m upset right now and I’m not sure why”.
Examples of labelling a child’s emotions
“It looks like you’re feeling sad. I can see you are crying”.
“I think you might be nervous – I get nervous on first days, too”.
“I can see you are happy. I love seeing your smile”.
“I think you are cross. I’d be cross too if I couldn’t find my toy”.
“I can see you are upset. Let’s try to help you through that”.
Validating emotions
Validation is about acknowledging that the emotion is normal and OK. It is an extremely important part of the emotional literacy approach. Without validation, your child can feel like they are not being heard. This can bring up more emotions and make it even harder for your child to calm.
Adults often find it hard to validate emotions. This is especially true when the emotion seems out of place for the situation. Whatever the situation, remember that the feeling is big for your child or young person right now. You do not need to agree with the emotion to validate it. This is a difficult skill for adults to practise!
Examples of role modelling emotion validation
“It’s OK to feel sad. I feel sad too, we’re all grieving”.
“It’s OK to feel nervous. I get nervous when I do something new”.
“It’s OK to feel happy even when we’re grieving”.
“It’s OK to be cross, we all get cross sometimes”.
“It’s OK to be upset, we don’t always know why”.
Examples of validating a child’s emotions
“It’s OK to feel sad. It’s healthy to cry”.
“It’s OK to be nervous. I understand this is hard for you”.
“It’s OK to feel happy – it’s a lovely emotion to have”.
“It’s OK to be cross, that toy is your favourite”.
“It’s OK to be upset. Let’s help you with that”.
Anyone - child, teen, or adult - can calm down better when they feel heard and have their feelings validated.
Expressing emotions
Tamariki must express their emotions so they can release emotional energy. This helps them move on with their day without the emotion continuing to affect them.
You can help your child express emotions by role modeling or coaching them.
Some tamariki react better to visuals. Pictures of things they can try help when they feel strong emotions. Others prefer to figure this out for themselves. It can be helpful to have some resources to use to express emotions as they happen. Different emotions are likely to need a range of strategies. It’s not a ‘one size fits all’ approach.
Here are some suggestions for resources and strategies you can use.
A ‘calm down basket’
In the basket, you might have fidget toys, books and plushies. What you have will depend on your child’s interests. You can use these to support the calming process.
A ‘calm zone’
This is a space in the main living area, such as a chair, bean bag or cushions. Anyone can go there when they need a break or quiet time.
Physical expression
This could include jumping on a trampoline or having a ball handy that you can kick or throw outside. Physical expression can support more intense feelings such as anger and frustration.
There is no ‘right’ option for every whānau (family). It’s about finding what works for you and your tamariki.
Examples of role modelling expression of your own emotions
“I feel sad. I’m going to make a cup of tea and sit down and quietly gather my thoughts”.
“I feel nervous. I’m going to take 3 deep breaths to help calm my body”.
“I feel happy. I’m going to put some music on – come dance with me!”.
“I feel cross. I need to go outside and kick the ball a few times”.
Examples of coaching a child to express emotions
“Crying is helping you to express your sadness. Let’s get some tissues”.
“Let’s do some slow breaths together to help calm those nerves”.
“I can see you are feeling happy. Let’s dance together!”.
“It’s OK to be cross. Let’s help you work through that. Here’s the ball to kick as hard as you can”.
Things to remember
It takes practice and patience
These strategies appear simple but they take practice and patience.
Focus on coaching the emotion rather than solving it
Try to be aware of any questions which are focussed on exploring ‘why’ a child might be feeling a certain way. This isn’t coaching the emotion, it’s trying to solve it, which isn’t always helpful.
The strategies don’t prevent big emotions but offer a way through them
These strategies won’t stop big emotions, but they provide a way to manage them. Over time, your child or young person’s emotional literacy skills will increase. Your child will need less adult support and can use these strategies on their own. There is no timeframe for this. It will be different for everyone.
Some children may be resistant to these strategies
They may tell you to stop or say that you are annoying them. Remember that they are already experiencing a heightened emotional response. So these emotions are driving their response. When this happens, it may be helpful to increase your own role-modelling of emotions. That means your child or young person sees this process regularly. This approach can be quite helpful for rangatahi (young people).
These strategies send the message that emotions are valid and OK
These strategies send a strong message to tamariki and rangatahi, even if they feel annoyed by them. The message they receive is that their emotions are valid and OK. Consider the long-term difference between:
- a child learning that all emotions are normal and OK
- a child hearing they needed to ‘deal with it’ or that their emotions were ‘silly’ (common in the past)
Behaviours are the emotions that we can see
Challenging behaviors, like screaming, hitting, or kicking, often come from strong emotions. Tamariki may struggle to handle these feelings.
Remember, behaviours are the emotions that we can see. So before addressing any behaviour, try to focus on calming the emotion. You can discuss behaviours you disagree with when everyone is calm.
What to do about continued challenging behaviours
Continued challenging behaviours may need individual support plans. Discuss this with your daycare or school.
You could also look for a local psychologist. They might offer individualised support plans based on your child’s needs.
